Void !!

I open my eyes, have a look at the watch on the table. I see the watch reads 4 am. How did I wake up so early? Wait,  when did I sleep?  Have  I been  awake whole night?  What was the last time I saw the watch, was it 3:30 am or was it 3:45? Damn, it is too much information to remember?  I realize something is missing. What is that? There is a feeling of overwhelming emptiness. Nothing seems to matter. Nothing seems worth doing anything. Nothing seems pleasant. Nothing seems bad. Nothing hurts. Well, does really nothing hurt? Or may be something hurts that I don't know about? Could it be I am happy at something I don't know about? Well, I don't know, I am empty. I feel nothing. So What do I do? How do I survive this day again?  I see there is this huge shade of darkness looming somewhere. Where is that? Is it somewhere out in the street? Or is it somewhere in the sky? Or wait, is it all inside me?

Somehow manage to get up, well  there was hardly any alternative. I go to bath room, be done with daily ablutions, take a shower, look at the watch again. Damn, its still 4:30, now what? How about I eat some apples? I like apples, don't I? Wait, when did I have apples last time? Do I like apples? You know what, lets have some orange. Why would I have oranges? Let's have some noodles. Damn, its again so much to process. I can never decide what would I have. Hmm, wait a minute, let's have all of them. Am I crazy, how can I have all of them. I am already gaining weight. You know what, I can't process it right now, I will have everything, screw the weight for now.  I have an apple, an orange while my noodles are getting cooked.  Damn, I really spent a whole bloody paragraph on what I had for a freaking breakfast. 

I think I should go for a walk, that should help me feel better. Or well, it should make me feel something. I go out of building, where do I go left or right? Damn, again such a big freaking decision to make. Can I cut myself in two parts and send both in different directions? Screw that, lets go right. Na, lets go left. You know what, lets screw it. Let's go straight today. And you now what, lets just turn back from where the road ends so that no more decisions about left/right to be made. 

Damn, finally back to the bloody building again, You know what, now let's not think, lets just follow our routine we should be okay. We should be okay to survive the day.

So I reach office at some point, I find someone shouting at someone. Damn, why does this guy need to shout. Why does he simply not understands shouting won't get him what he wants.  Damn, am I the only sane person on the planet? Wait, If I think everyone else is insane, than I must be insane, right? That's only logical. So I establish I am insane. Well, now we I am getting somewhere. I make up a quote in my mind "Insanity is the best form of sanity" and I have a smile. WTF, what does this even mean? Let's screw it again. With this the smiles too vanishes, is replaced with a gloomy look. Wait, why am I gloomy now? I wish I knew.

Why am I such a disappointment? Why do I suck so much? Why can I never do anything right. Have I done anything right in my life? Why did I let people make me feel bad? Well, may be its not people its just me who is supposed to feel bad. There could be something genetic wrong with me. I can't be blamed for that. Can I be?  Damn, why don't I have a freaking aim in my life? Everyone has got an aim. Let's set us an aim. My aim is to become batman. Damn, I am day-dreaming again,  how would I become Batman? Let's pick up a simpler aim.  Thought process keeps on going with no conclusion.

Well, let's just give this a rest for today !!

Sunrises and Sunsets

We used to go to my village quite often when I was a kid. We used to sleep under the skies as modern life amenities were mostly non-existent there. We used to make cricket balls using old clothes. We used to manufacture our own bats by collecting woods from the trees. We used to find our ways to find some paisas to get some sweets from the village merchant. I literally remember I took 1 paisa once to the merchant and got a sweet for that.

There was a time I wanted to fly kites. It was a kite season in the place where I used to stay with my parents. The kite season happened to be at different time in my village, hence finding kites from market turned out to be a daunting task.  We collected old plastic bags, tore pieces from them and started making kites. Now all we had to do was find some string to fly the kite with. Luckily we found some metered long string somewhere. We couldn't fly kite too far as the string wasn't big. It was fun nevertheless.

During those times first light of sun or voice of buffalo used to wake me up. I don't remember I ever slept past 5:30.  I used to see sun rising above a distant mountain. During earlier childhood days I wished someday I will go and have a closer look at where the sun comes from. My guess was that it probably just hides behind mountain at night.

I remember seeing last light of sun while I was eagerly waiting for my turn to bat in an ongoing cricket game. Those days we wished sun light to last a bit longer so that we can play some more.

It's a wonder how much things have changed. I hardly visit village anymore. I have never flown a kite in years. Never think of actually playing cricket.

The biggest change is, I have not seen sun's first and last rays in years (or at least never gave it a thought even if I did rarely).  Well, things surely have changed a lot !!